Relax? Me? What?

January was such a stressful month for me.....physically, mentally, emotionally. I barely kept it together but somehow, here I am, on Janaury 31 and I am still in one piece. Pat me on the back! Yep. That's right. I am damn proud of myself and I am not ashamed to scream it from the roofs.
I am that good. I can do it all (hahahahaha!). I rock!

Even so, I realized lately that I do not know how to relax. Sure, I can sit my lazy butt on the couch and watch American Idol all night long. I can even handle reading a magazine while laying in bed. But I am not really relaxing. At the end of those "relaxation moments", my back still hurts, I dont feel any better, and I am usually more stressed out because I feel guilty about not getting anything done.

A solution has been found!

Remember I told you about the family bookstore trip? I picked up some Yoga books, stopped by and got myself a pretty yoga mat and a new sports bra (these girls can get out of control when left out there on their own!), and even found a Yoga DVD for Beginners (that's me....the out of shape beginner). The alarm went off yesterday morning at 5:15 AM and downstairs I went.

To do yoga. Before work. When the house is still quiet and peaceful......in other words, before the toddler is awake. Only the dog for company.

All day long, I felt better. I was more awake. My body didnt hurt. My mind was focused. And best of all, the last pose of yoga, The Corpse Pose, was the most relaxing thing I have ever done in my whole life.

I love it. And I want more of it. Bring it on yoga. Relax me, center me, get me into better shape.

What part of NO dont I understand!? The N and the O.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I say no all day long. At work, it's "no there is no registration discounts" or "no conference cannot be held in Antartica next year" and even "no I am not a miracle worker". At home, I hear no constantly. No hitting. No yelling inside. No running. No ice cream for dinner. No more tv.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Why, then, do I have such a hard time saying no when it comes to me and my time and my sanity!?

Sure, I can take on 5 more meetings throughout the country over the next year and still manage a 1200 person conference!

Absolutely; I will make sure that all the doctor appointments are made by the end of the hour.

Yes, please put me on that mailing list so I can attend all the professional development events in the city.

And please, make sure that my planner is busitng at the seams with no day left blank!

I got an email this week about my 10 year high school reunion. I cant believe its been 10 years! Anyways........the first Planning Meeting is Thursday night. Of course, I emailed "Yes, I will be there".

On my way into work this morning, I realize that I do want to be there. But the reunion (rumor has it) will be in October. My conference is in October. October is the busiest month of my year. And so I spent my commute time (1 1/2 hours today!) rationalizing in my head how I can make it work. I can volunteer for things that will take time now but not a lot of time in October. Maybe work on securing the location since thats what I do at work anyways. Or I can simple help locate classmates. That cant possible take a ton of time! In the end, yes, I am going to the meeting on Thursday and I am going to involve myself.

I have always been this way.......unable to say no. Since becoming a mom, it has gotten worse. For me, its the Working Mom thing. I feel so guilty that I am not at home with Grace all day that I feel I need to prove something. But what? Does having a full schedule make me feel more important? Maybe thats it. I want to know that I am more than a frazzled working mom; that people like me and want me involved in their projects. Maybe its because if I fill Grace's schedule, she will know that just because I am not with her all day doesnt mean I dont want to be involved with her.

I dont think I am proving a thing. Except that I am exhausted, frazzled, feeling guilty, and just generally overwhlemed.

And such is the plight of this working mom.........

Just What The Doctor Ordered

This weekend was great.

We did nothing.

Seriously, I left the house twice; once for a family trip to the bookstore and once for a family trip to the grocery store. Hubby is finally feeling good enough for short treaks into the "real world" so out we went.

I picked up a Yoga book. For a year now, I have talked about starting yoga but never got off my butt to do anything about it. I hate, hate, group exercise classes at the gym. I feel like everyone is watching me and I constantly compare my progress to the other people in the room. So they really arent very productive or self-esteem building for me. Yoga, though, I can do in the privacy of my own house on my own schedule. I read the book this weekend and will be going out tonight to pick up the yoga mat and some comfy clothes. If I have the stuff and a cute yoga outfit to wear (vain, I know but deal!) then I know I can start this project for myself. Anything to find some calm in my life!

I feel recharged already from this weekend. Play-Doh, books, movies, and talking. That's all I needed and its what I got.

Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street....or anywhere but here, really!

I am grouchy today.

Maybe it is because there are never ending requests for ridiculous details at the office.

Maybe because talking to my family right now is like being a therapist. Watch what you say to Mom cause she just might explode at you.

Maybe its because I leave work so that I can go home and start my other job---nurse and almost-sole caretaker of the child.

Maybe cause I am exhausted but have no time to relax or take a nap.

Who cares why I am grouchy. Damn it, I can be grouchy if I want to.

Right?

Wedding vows

You spend months planning them out and writing them until they are perfect. After 30 seconds passes, while standing on the altar, they are in the past. Not many of us repeat them over and over and over again. Sure, we remember them but we may not actually remember the specific words; just the general meaning.

In sickness and in health.

That part I remember. Now more than ever. I remember saying that phrase with more meaning and conviction than the rest of our traditional vows. Maybe because the "sickness" part was the subject of so many screaming matches with my mother on why I shouldnt marry Hubby. Or maybe because I could see his mother, in her wheelchair, in the front row, her body giving away to MS after 30 years. Or maybe because I just knew that Marfan's would sneak up on us someday and I would need those words more than ever.

I need them now.

Hubby's surgery went great. His initial recovery at the hospital was great. He is still doing great.

Now is the hardest part.

Hubby look better; his color is back, he can walk around without his "incision pillow" pressed against him, and he can take a shower without getting short of breath. But he cant drive yet or go back to work or do any household "Honey Do's". Its frustarating for him and for me and just plain hard.

My frustaration seems so silly when I compare it to Hubby's. Seriously, what do I have to complain about....he is the one with the 18 inch scar across his chest and belly! He is being a good patient....maybe trying to push things a little but all in all, he listens to me and is "behaving".

I, on the other hand, am losing my patience. If you find it, can you return it to me cause I really need it now! Working full time out of the house, raising Grace and trying to keep her schedule and routines unchanged, making sure Hubby is feeling okay/taking hus meds/has good blood pressure/etc, cleaning up the house, doing laundry, managing day care pickup and dropoffs, and all other other daily things. I am exhausted. I am running until there is nothing left for me. I know I need to relax but I can't. I have to take care of my 2 babies; my big one and my little one; my Hubby and my Gracie.

I just cant wait until there is someone to hang my Pottery Barn ledges. I am looking forward to someone else planning out dinner. And man, I am counting the days when there is someone else to clean the house. (Note to self: Schedule maid service for next week). But most of all, I just need someone to take care of me for 20 minutes. That's all I ask for, 20 minutes of ME.

I remind myself each day...........in sickness and in health......I vowed to take care of him in sickness and in health. Right now, he needs me.

And I am here, with him.

To My Friends and My Family

The past 2 weeks have been some of the most trying times I can remember. Somehow, I have managed to come out of it okay. Today is my first day back at work and I finally have moments to myself. There is quiet all around me. There is no one asking for a drink or lunch or medicine or just needing me to do anything. I can simply sit at my desk and work on my own. Quietly. I love the quiet.

But sitting here, alone, has me thinking----how the hell did I make it through the past month!? I definintely didnt do it alone. But I have been so wrapped up in all my worries and my stresses and my problems that I forgot to take a breathe and look around all all the people standing around Hubby and I.

There are a few individual thank-yous that I need to get out there:

L: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for enduring 6 hours in the hospital waiting room with me and my entire crazy family. Gossip mags in hand, you showed up early in the morning to sit while we waiting for Hubby's surgery to end. Great friends are sometimes hard to find. I feel so blessed to have found one in you. Thank you for all of it....it meant so much to my family (me, Hubby, and Grace) that you were there with us.

The KDR gang and Friend-Family (you all know who you are!): The simple voice mails and emails while Hubby was in the hospital and when he got home----it is so nice to know that we have friends out there who care about us and love us so much. Thank you.

My parents and sister: Grace made it through the initial surgery up-heaval of her life so easily and that is because of you. Clearing your schedules, making sure she was taken care of so that I could take care of Hubby. I knew she was happy and safe and loved. I could not have managed the 2 weeks at the hospital and at home without your help. Grace loves you all so much. Hubby and I are eternally grateful.

Thank you. To all my friends, family.

The Nice Peaceful Calm has been Broken!

My life finally clicked together. Everything works. I have a great family with Hubby and Grace, I have surrounded myself with wonderful friends who really are an extension of my family, and have a career that I love.

The last year, I have learned to simply move beyond any crazy drama and stand up for my own feelings/thoughts/opinions. I have become a BIG fan of the "agree to disagree, then move on".

Like I said, life finally clicked together. It took a long time and a drama-filled road for me but I am there; living a life that I love (most of the time anyways!).

Why is it, then, that as soon as I feel confident in my life the rest of the family falls apart? Fighting and yelling and kicking people out of the house and forcing people to take sides. AHHHHHH, it sucks.

And now I am at my breaking point again. I just may have to take sides and open my house to my sibling who will have no where else to go. But all that will do is anger my mother, who is always angry at me anyways.

Seriously, people! Seriously!

When It Doubt, Choose Answer (C)

My CMP test was yesterday.

I walked into the testing room anxious and worried and terrified and a little defeated, actually. Its been a rough month; I didnt study as much as I wanted to, and the idea of failing this test makes me nauseous. But I walked into the room and sat down with my #2 pencils and calculator.

3 hours later, I left the room. The next room I entered was an Irish Pub in DC for a much needed adult beverage with the other test takers from my study group.

What's done is done. Now I have 6 weeks to wait for the results.

Ogh......its going to be a long 6 weeks!

The End of the Road......for now

So the time at home is almost over.

Hubby is recovering nicely but he still has a few weeks ahead of him at home before getting back into "real life". Thats okay with me.....I do like to feel that I am needed around here. But there is definitely part of me that is thrilled for the time when he is feeling better but still at home. There are ledges to be hung in the living room, boxes to be organized in the basement, errands to run, service contractors to call for the chimneys/lawn/pool, and..........oh, I am sure I can fill his days!!!

I have been on "vacation" for 2 weeks now but Monday morning, I have to get back to work. That means waking up even earlier, getting Grace and I ready and out of the door, give Hubby his morning meds, and then fight all the DC-area traffic. Work. Return home to do it all again.

With the exception of the countless hours sitting in ICU just waiting for Hubby's surgery to be over, the past 2 weeks were nice. No traffic, no deadlines, no staff meetings. Just doing what I needed or wanted to do on my own time schedule.

On the flip side..............I am kind of looking forward to getting back to the office. For one, I am actually sick and tired of wearing jeans. I want to wear all the suits and nice "work clothes" in my closet. And a small part of me (okay, a BIG part of me) finds that my work life defines me just as much as my mommy/wife life. That just might cause some feathers to be ruffled but I honestly feel more alive, more productive, and an all around better mother/wife/friend/sister/etc when I am at work. I am starting to feel a little lost in this "vacation".

Breaking News.........SuperMom has gone crazy!

Okay, so we all knew I was crazy to begin with but now there is proof.

This week, my schedule is packed.........


Wake up, take Grace to day care after spending 30 minutes with her arguing over what is appropriate for the 2 year old to wear on a 30 degree day (nope, a miniskirt dress just isnt going to cut it, darling!). Come home from day care drop-off, wake up Hubby to check his blood pressure and give him his AM meds, make breakfast for me and Hubby, clean up the breakfast tray upstairs and do dishes downstairs, sit at the table to get at least 4 hours of work done from home.

Breathe.

Pick up my CMP books and study for 2 hours (the test is on Saturday so I am in cram-mode). Make lunch. Repeat the cleaning process I just finished at breakfast time. Do more work, study. Check on Hubby at least once an hour to see if he needs any pain meds, etc. Pick up Grace from day care by 5:30 PM. Make dinner for her. Clean up her dinner mess, give her a bath, get her ready for bed. Play with Grace and make sure she is gentle around Daddy. Put her to bed (a 45 minute process lately!). Make dinner for Hubby and me. Again, repeat the cleaning process. Sit down to "relax" (whats that!?). Help Hubby get into bed for the night, give him PM meds.

Breathe.

Go to sleep. Wake up and repeat it all over again.

Yep, thats how my week has been so far.

Somewhere in all that madness, I found my inner OCD-organization goddess.

This is what happened:

Those are the cleaning and laundry supplies. In plastic bins. Organized so you can actually find what you need. Amazing.

Yes, that is the pantry. Again, clear bins make their shining debut in my house. Seriously, I spent 2 hours organizing the foo dpantry into "categories": snacks, pastas, canned veggies and fruit, soups, baking, side dishes, etc, etc, etc.

Scary huh?!

Aries.....That's Me!

You may be feeling a bit on edge. There is a lot happening in your life and you are challenged to keep up with all the action. You do like it this way, but you wish there wasn't the emotional drama that seems to come along with the heightened activity. Being kind to others, even if you are angry, will bring you closer to your dreams.

I love reading my horoscope. Not that I really believe them but it is fun to read it once in awhile.

Funny though how true today's horoscope is for me.

My Other Career.......Seriously, How Many Do I Need!?!?!?!

"So, when are you going to quit your job and be a nurse or a caretaker?"

That was the last comment Hubby made today before the Per.cocet kicked in and he fell asleep.

One week ago, almost exactly to this time, Hubby woke up from the anest.hesia given during his thoractic-abdominal aortic repair surgery (wow--that was a big word at 11 PM!). I was there when they stopped the medicine but had to leave for shift changes when they took his breathing tubes out and woke him up completely. The next time I saw him, he was groggy but awake and asking all sorts of questions about the surgery (how long did it last? did they take arteries from his leg? how big is the incision?).

Hubby was moved out of ICU on Thursday afternoon and sent home Saturday afternoon, only 5 days after major surgery. The surgeon called him the poster boy for this type of surgery. As I have said all along, if the surgeon is happy then so am I.

Since we have been home, its been pretty uneventful. Hubby is tired so once Grace is up and dressed, I turn attention to Hubby and make sure he is doing okay. All day long, attention goes back and forth between my two babies. Its exhausting but I am happy I have the chance to do it. It could have been different.

I have really learned this week what it means when a bride and groom vow to take care of each other through "sickness and health". Those simple words mean so much to me now.

Welcome Home Hubby!

The surgeons finally let me bring Hubby home yesterday afternoon. Surgery was only 6 days ago and even the surgeons were amazed that Hubby was recovering so quickly. I was just excited to get out of the hospital and have both my babies at home with me.

Hubby is doing really well at home. He gets tired easily but that is to be expected. He is in good spirits and is much happier at home. Even Grace is being great.......she is giving him tons of hugs and kisses and loves to take care of her Daddy.

We have a long road to recovery ahead (4-6 weeks is average until the patient starts feeling better!) but the hardest part is behind us. With the new aorta inplace, we can handle it all!

I finally got a good night's sleep last night.

Hubby has been moved out of ICU and is in the Step Down Unit for a few days. And then he gets to come home.

I needed the sleep and now I am getting Grace and I ready for another day.

Ahh....the sleep was wonderful.

Exhaustion is the only word I have right now. Everything hurts...my feet, my head, my heart, my everything.

Hubby is doing very well in recovery. Still in ICU, but progressing very well. Like I keep telling him, as long as the surgeon and nurses are happy, then so am I.

My sister stayed with Grace on Monday and Tuesday. They made crafts for Daddy----a sign that Grace scribbled on that reads "I Love You Daddy. Feel Better". The picture of her holding the sign is framed and on the table in ICU. So precious.

Since this process started, I havent spent too much time with Grace. While Hubby is in ICU, I hate leaving the hospital. But now I am feeling guilty. She hhas my parentss but shouldnt I be spending time reassuring her that everything is ok? But how do I do that when I need to be with Hubby at the hospital to reassure myself?!? I am having a hard time figuring out how to manage it all.. Oh yeah, I need to take care of me too!

But the good news is that Hubby is doing great!

Surgery went well yesterday.

Hubby is recovering.

I am exhausted.

Prayers

<

Hubby's surgery is today.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers today and this week.

I will post as I can but honestly, all my time will be spent at the hospital.



Blogger is acting up again......here is the link to info about the surgery, in case you are wondering.
http://supermom04.blogspot.com/2006/11/on-todays-menu-aortic-repair.html

My Monster

I have created a monster!!

A few months ago, you would not catch me shopping with Grace. At 2 1/2, she is way too cool to sit in a cart. And hold Mommy's hand in the grocery store?! No way....there are too many fun things to take off the shelf and throw on the ground. Oh, and the tantrums. Cant forget those in the middle of the aisle. So much fun.

Over the holidays, shopping had to get done. There were presents to buy, grocery lists a mile long, and just general trips to the store. Somehow I had to find a way to survive a shopping trip with my toddler.

And I did.

Lollipops if she sits in the cart. French fries for dinner if she let Mommy go to one more store. A promise to watch Finding Nemo for the 15,396th time that week when we get home. It all worked like a charm.

Now its backfiring on me.

Ask any of my friends. I love shopping. It relaxes me. I am thrilled when I find a deal.

I picked Grace up from day care yesterday and asked what she wanted for dinner. Her response: No dinner. Go shopping with Mommy and Daddy and me. I sit in cart and eat lollipop.

I told her maybe later we can go shopping. Basically trying to divert her attention and maybe, just maybe she would forget that she asked for a shopping trip. Maybe Nemo will work. She'll watch Nemo and that will be that......shopping diverted for the evening.

Nope. Grace looked at me with a scrunched up "mad face" and said, "No Mommy. No later. Dont say later. I go shopping now!".

Wonder where all the good sales are tonight???? Maybe Grace and I can find some deals together. A monster has been created............and I love it!

Picture Post..AGAIN

Yeah, I know.....Christmas was over a week ago. But better late than never....Grace's Xmas pictures. This is a house in the neighborhood I grew up in. They add 10,000 new lights every year but never take any off. Yes, they put Clark Griswold to shame!!!

Oh chill out!! Its apple juice!!!!

My brother finds the best presents for Grace. She is scared of the vacuum cleaner so he bought her one that sings and talks. My favorite lines are "This place is a pig stay" and "cough cough Hairball!"
My pretty Christmas Tree. Sadly, it is coming down tonight. Back to the basement it will go until next year.
A girl gets tired after opening Santa presents.

Its Looming Out There

It's already Tuesday.

I'm not ready for Tuesday. Tuesday means that the pre-op appointments are right around the corner and that surgery is less than a week away. I am not ready yet.

This surgery has been looming over us for months now. We found out there was a potential for surgery in mid-October, met with surgeons throughout November, made the decision to go ahead with surgery before Thanksgiving, and then set the surgery date on our anniversary (yes, we do everything around holidays/special dates---easier to remember that way!). And now that New Year's Eve has come and gone, the surgery is upon us.

And I am not ready.

We spent the weekend making lists of everything I will need at the house while Hubby is in the hospital.....groceries, shampoo, diapers, etc, etc, etc. All so that I dont have to worry about it all. We organized family members to take care of Grace next week so I can focus on Hubby. We filled out medical history reports, living will, and all sorts of paperwork. We even planned out this week's menu to include all the non-heart-healthy meals Hubby loves but knows he wont be able to have anymore once he has this surgery.

When do we get ready for this?

Yea, Hubby needs to get ready too. He is so focused on getting his life prepped for his absense (house things, work assignments, etc) that he is just going day to day. Basically, he knows its coming, there is nothing he can do to stop it, and he just wants to hurry up and get to the other side of surgery....to the recovery stage.

I have so many questions but cant verbalize them. For the past few weeks, I have been really good about looking at all the information and taking the risks for what they are worth. Yes, there is a 4% mortality rate but that also means there are 96% of patients who are fine after this surgery. I have always been on the 96% thinking.

Yesterday, I was driving around, doing errands. A song came on the radio about a toddler talking to his daddy about wanting to be just like him when he grows up;' I hear the song all the time but yesterday it got me. God forbid----what would I tell Grace? Thats all I could think about. How would she handle it? What would it do to her life?

I am terrified of this surgery. I logically know it will all be okay and after the first few days, Hubby will be fine and, even with the long recovery, we will be fine in the end. But "what if" has me terrified.

I just want Monday to be over already.........and its only Tuesday.