Its Looming Out There

It's already Tuesday.

I'm not ready for Tuesday. Tuesday means that the pre-op appointments are right around the corner and that surgery is less than a week away. I am not ready yet.

This surgery has been looming over us for months now. We found out there was a potential for surgery in mid-October, met with surgeons throughout November, made the decision to go ahead with surgery before Thanksgiving, and then set the surgery date on our anniversary (yes, we do everything around holidays/special dates---easier to remember that way!). And now that New Year's Eve has come and gone, the surgery is upon us.

And I am not ready.

We spent the weekend making lists of everything I will need at the house while Hubby is in the hospital.....groceries, shampoo, diapers, etc, etc, etc. All so that I dont have to worry about it all. We organized family members to take care of Grace next week so I can focus on Hubby. We filled out medical history reports, living will, and all sorts of paperwork. We even planned out this week's menu to include all the non-heart-healthy meals Hubby loves but knows he wont be able to have anymore once he has this surgery.

When do we get ready for this?

Yea, Hubby needs to get ready too. He is so focused on getting his life prepped for his absense (house things, work assignments, etc) that he is just going day to day. Basically, he knows its coming, there is nothing he can do to stop it, and he just wants to hurry up and get to the other side of surgery....to the recovery stage.

I have so many questions but cant verbalize them. For the past few weeks, I have been really good about looking at all the information and taking the risks for what they are worth. Yes, there is a 4% mortality rate but that also means there are 96% of patients who are fine after this surgery. I have always been on the 96% thinking.

Yesterday, I was driving around, doing errands. A song came on the radio about a toddler talking to his daddy about wanting to be just like him when he grows up;' I hear the song all the time but yesterday it got me. God forbid----what would I tell Grace? Thats all I could think about. How would she handle it? What would it do to her life?

I am terrified of this surgery. I logically know it will all be okay and after the first few days, Hubby will be fine and, even with the long recovery, we will be fine in the end. But "what if" has me terrified.

I just want Monday to be over already.........and its only Tuesday.


-L said...

Big hugs...you guys will make it through this. Do you want someone there with you on surgery day? Let me know, honestly, let me know and I'll take the day off. I'm serious. I might do it even if you tell me no :)

And of course, we will be there with anything you need during the recovery process.

Hang in there.

Bri said...

I know you probably have people telling you this all the time - but you're a very strong person to be dealing with all of this. I'm sure you feel like just the opposite - but look back at all you've accomplished and been through. The track record for sanity speaks for itself.

We'll be thinking of you and Hubby and Gracie. And I'll be carrying my phone everywhere on Monday - if I get that first call - you may even hear a flush! :P

TeamWinks said...

Your buckaroo has a really strong mom, and that song gets the best of me too. I'm really at a loss to say. Should I say, "It's all going to be ok" or make a funny kind of joke (I just don't find the situation funny, sorry.) If I was there, despite all that we have said and gone through, I would just hold your hand and be sure to have an extra hot five million pump Starbucks there for you. Big hug, sweetie. I'm thinking about you and your family.