We All Scream for Ice Cream!

Well, summer is over now and as I look back at this blog....well, I neglected to post all summer long.  I am okay with that.  It was a basic summer - I don't have any awesome vaca stories to tell and really - we worked, kids went to camps and day care, and we cheered our way through swim meets.

But tonight...tonight ended the summer. We did it the way we have done it every year for at least the last 6 years.....with ice cream. And friends.  I cannot believe how much the kids have grown over the years and this ice cream tradition grows in size every year. I love it.  I love these kids and I cannot wait to see what this year holds for all of them.

Preschool to HS in one picture!!!! In fact we are only missing grades 3,-5, 10, and 12 among all these kids!!!

The girls ---- they have known each other since they were Delaney's size!

Crazy boys - preschool through 2nd grade!

My White Flag

It's 9:30 on a Thursday and I tried. I really did try to stay up and hang with the hubby tonight.

But I had to wave the white flag.

I am exhausted. Emotionally mostly but it's also probably time to admit that this pregnancy is wearing me out by the end of each day. But that is a different post.

This week sucked. No other way to say it. Grace struggles at school - she always has. We see improvements and then they seem to disappear as fast as they appear. She gets overwhelmingly frustrated at the smallest most ridiculous things - to the point that she can't refocus herself. Her emotional impulse responses are not always age appropriate or frankly behavior that is acceptable to us.

For awhile, we have simply brushed some of it off as Grace being a sensitive girl --- much like her mama, she gets her feelings hurt easily and it's hard for her to move on immediately.

No more. It's affecting her schoolwork, her friendships, everything. It's breaking my heart --- obviously nothing we have done has helped her.

Parenting is hard I know. But this week I am finding it impossible --- I seriously don't know what to do for my own kid.

Tonight I am letting myself feel like crap about it - white flag is up. Next week we will start down the road with doctors and therapists or whoever else we need to help her be the awesome, amazing , smart and nice girl that we know she is.

WIshing I Could Answer Why

My daughter is a lot like me --- she and I tend to pick out the same clothes for her closet; we really do agree on most forms of entertainment, and I like to think that some of her humor comes from me as well. 

But there are also some traits that I am starting to see that remind me of me in my not-so-super days.  Feelings I wish I could stop her from feeling.  Things I wish I could tell her were no big deal but I know that they suck - cause surprisingly, they happen when you are 8 and they happen in your 30s too. 

Its only Tuesday and an email came home from school today -- Grace spent 90% of the day today acting up.  Simply not paying attention to the teacher and letting her frustration take over her actions.  All.  Day.  Long.  Enough that the teacher wrote an email home and listed every single infraction -- at least one per subject today apparently. 

Grace tells me that she doesn't get it (they were learning some new math skills today), that there is too much "stuff on my desk" (when sorting vocab words -- there are a lot, in all honesty), and she is distracted by the other things in the room like her friends or the other teachers.  Once she loses her focus, it takes so much to get her to concentrate again and get moving on the project or lesson. 

But on the flip side, at home, homework is done no problem most of the time.  She focuses on the worksheet and gets the answers right the first time.  Tonight, even after all these issues at school, she was excited to do a matching game to learn her science vocab words -- the exact same thing she refused to do in science class today. 

Its hard -- we punish her for the behavior.  It's just not okay to act this way, but is there more to it?  What if she is acting out for some other reason?  Is there something going on that we don't know about?  Does she really feel what she says -- that she cant focus cause inside her head feel jumbly?  She says "I'm stupid" - is that something she really believes? 

And this is where we are now -- at the crossroads of "Why"?  Why is she acting like this?  Why is she getting so frustarated so easily?  Why does she say these negative things about herself when no one else is saying them to her?  Why????  We have all the IEP therapies in place at school - extra reading and math attention, occupational and speech therapy.

But maybe this isn't an academic issue at the root - maybe she really does take after her Mama and need a little more emotional support in life than she has right now.  The social situations and feelings just seem to take over so that she has trouble focusing on anything else --- sounds pretty familiar to me.   I do the same -- if something is hard or I just dont want to do it, I ignore it.  It never goes away and then its worse than at the beginning.  I let other people's actions (or inactions) dictate how I deal with things.  And I don't speak up for myself enough --- learned that the hard way when meaningful friendships disappeared that really just needed me to reach out and talk and stand up for myself.   

It is what it is for me but I don't want that for Grace.  I also don't want to assume that is what is going on either --- no need to create this in her life if she is fine and simply misbehaving for the sake of misbehaving.  Parenting is hard when you have no idea what to do next.  But not doing anything isnt an option either!

Back To School Eve

Tonight is much like New Year's Eve --- one that marks the end of one year and the beginning of another.  For us, it's the end of The Summer of 2nd Grace and the beginning of 3rd Grade. ((side note -- OMG - when did she grow up to be in 3rd grade already!?!?!?)).  For me, it also feels like the beginning of a new way of being for our family.

Last week was the last week that Will went to day care in someone else's home.  We loved A -- she is truly an angel and A took amazing, stunning, remarkable, and simply wonderful care of both our children.  We have made a big leap and have hired a nanny at our house.

In an effort to find a happier balance for me, the kids, and our family -- and quite honestly,keep myself emotionally healthy --- I took a parttime job.  Somehow I found a way to do it all --- keep my career moving forward and be at the bus stop each day for Grace.  I also get time with my little boy before he grows up too much. 

It was this way for the last month of school - but tomorrow, it starts "for real".  I have a week long work trip to start this "new life" --- once I am back, I will be at the bus stop, at PTO meetings, and helping out at Girl Scout meetings.  And I will also be creating event marketing blog posts and brochures and graphics.  Maybe this way, I can have it all.

After all the changes these past few years - and all the hard times and all the good times too --- I am so looking forward to having this time with my family, who, in the end, are the most important thing in the world to me.  It's a new year -- and I cannot wait for it to start!

Eight

In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago  On other days, I just don't know where the time has gone.

Eight years ago, today, my life changed forever.  I knew, the moment I held that sweet little girl in my arms that nothing would ever be the same again. 

Looking back on that day, I remember the feeling of complete joy when I looked up at my new husband holding our daughter for the very first time.

I still have the silly denim baseball hats my mom brought us that said "New Mom" and "New Dad".

When we brought our little baby girl home, I remember thinking "Now what?  What am I supposed to do with this baby?".  I was the first of my friends to have a baby and even though I knew how to make a bottle, change a diaper, and cuddle the little one, I had NO idea what to do.

Last year was tough for her; but what a champ she is.  Never did she really complain and she was such a good helper when her daddy needed us.  And the day her baby brother was born, my little girl turned into the best big sister I have ever seen --- she and that baby boy have such an incredible bond and it makes me smile just thinking about it.

Years later, I look back at those moments and smile.  And I look at my baby girl who now likes to play in my closet and try on my high heels; my little girl who shuts her bedroom door to blast her Justi.n Beib.er music while she cleans her room; my little girl who is almost as tall as me already; my little girl with her own social calendar that, frankly, rules my life now; my daughter who turns 8 today and who is growing up so fast.

Love you Grace Marie.

IDK about IEP

On the calendar later this month, it says Team Grace Meeting, 8am.  In other words, round three of IEP meetings for us at Grace's school.

IEPs are so stressful to me --- and so stressful in fact, that most of the time I read through things and defer to whatever plan the teachers have come up with.  For the most part it works.  She has access to all the different therapies offered at the school from speech to extra help in reading and math and even occupational therapy.  In first grade, she did okay.  But wow --- when that report card and IEP report came home this past grading quarter.....finally, it all seems to be coming together for Grace.  Several of her goals are checked off as "Mastered Skill" and others are moving quickly in that direction.  She is finally catching up.  Finally reading books with confidence and finally showing that she likes to learn and that she knows she is smart. There is no cognitive delay -- her IQ is perfectly normal.

Marfan Syndrome causes many of her issues handled by occupational therapy and speech --- and those things (handwriting, clear speech) have improved so much that she only needs those therapies once a week (we started with three times a week in kindergarten!).   Her reading skills came later than other kids -- she could recognize sight words on a flashcard but print those words in a book and she would not be able to recall the word.  Its focus --- she just seems to lose focus as soon as something seems hard or if she needs to wprk independently.  Grace simply benefits from active attention throughout school work -- showing her paper to you after she is done with those 10 math problems or reading the book aloud or talking about the story immediately after reading time.  She rushes through things that she knows well and thats where mistakes happen, although I think this is more a general thing and is fairly normal cause I do it all the time too.  But right now, that affects her grades so its on my IEP radar.

She is also starting to notice that she is different than the rest of the class.  Grace and three other kids go to a different class for reading and math every day.  The other kids in her class move around for math based on the unit they are studying.  Grace's class gives her more one-on-one instruction; it helps Grace learn to stay on task and it keeps the four of them together with other people on the same level as they are -- hopefully increasing their confidence to try out new math problems, for instance. 

I can handle logistics and managing the plan. Its the emotional side of things that is getting harder and harder as she grows up. Gone are the days when I can say "Mom and Dad want you to be even smarter so you have two teachers!" and expect that to be it.   How can I make sure she knows that getting extra help doesn't make you the dumb kid in class?  2nd graders don't want to hear that later in life it wont matter whose math class you were in in elementary school --- cause for them, that is their world. 

Academically, all these therapies have been great for her.  Whats next? Now that she is older and understands more of what Team Grace means, what changes do we need to make? 

The Last Day

Is it really the end of June?!  Cause it feels like September was just yesterday.


Today is Grace's last day of kindergarten.

I cannot believe it.

On her first day, she was so excited.  Excited about her big girl backpack and being at the big school.  She was a little nervous about all the new kids but was happy to meet new friends.

It wasn't always the easiest year for her - she struggled with reading and math but as the weeks went by, she got better and better at it all.  She made friends.  She started Girl Sc.outs and decided that music class is the best part of school.

This morning, she was excited too - about summer starting and about going to first grade.  But she was a little sad to leave her friends that she has gotten used to seeing every day.  She picked out her own outfit, grabbed her backpack, and ran to the car, anxious to spend the last day of school with her friends before the summer starts for her at 12:30PM today.

It just amazes me how much Grace has grown up over the school year.  Time really does go by quickly when you aren't looking!

I Have Been Warned

Grace:  Mommy, you might get a headache. 

Me:  Really?  When I am getting this headache? (Frankly, I had one DURING this conversation!)


Grace:  At the kindergarten singing assem-ly.  

Me:  Oh.  I dont think I will get a headache, Grace. I am very excited to watch you and your friends sing songs all together.  (Yes, I am super psyched about watching 75 kindergarteners sing songs loudly while all us K-parents take pictures and video.  After which I get to go out for a girls night out!!)


Grace:  Well, Mommy, there are going to be all the morning children and the afternoon children.  And all the Busy Bees children too.  (Note:  The busy Bees are the other kindergarten class - they all have their own "class name"....Grace's is the Dolphins).  And we are all gonna be singing together and doing the movements all at the same time. So you are going to have a headache I think.  

Me:  Oh.  (Those are the only words I could say without bursting out laughing.)

Grace:  Yeah and the parents....you cant talk or eat cause its in the PE room and there is no eating there.  So dont bring me a snack, okay?  

Me:  Got it. No snack. 

Grace: And the parents cant sing with the children.  Cause then you couldnt hear the kids singing. Okay? 

Me:  Okay.  Any more rules I need to know?

Grace:  Not today. But I really think you are going to have a headache. 

Well, thanks for the warning.

Struggling

104 days of kindergarten.  Yes, we count.  Well, we dont count but the kids do every morning in class.  They had a big 100 Days Celebration on Friday. 

On the first day of school, she was so excited to be a school-ager.  New backpack, a whole new wardrobe (cause you cant start a new school year wearing the same ol' things!!), and the anticipation of learning to read and write. 

Wish it was that easy. 

Grace is struggling.  With everything it seems.  She is so smart so why is she having issues with reading?  Why, since she is constantly writing and coloring at home, does she have troubles with those things at school?  And what is it about a classroom full of children that causes her to lose focus?  All questions that we are fighting to find answers for.

Last night, over dinner, she told me all about her visit with Mrs. W., the occupational therapist at her school.  To Grace, its another teacher to help her.  They cut, they wrote, they drew pictures - all this to help her fine motor skill development.  And Grace thinks the pencil holder is the coolest thing ever.  And in the coming days and weeks, she will visit the speech therapist, the school psychologist, the reading teacher, and the resource teacher. 

In all my Marfan Syndrome research, I always focused on the medical aspects - cardiac and eye issues mostly because those were the things that seemed to affect Grace the most.  Now I am quickly learning about the other Marfan related issues, like fine motor skill development.  Apparently, it is not uncommon for Marfan children to struggle with things like handwriting - who knew!?  And in that, we are having to teach the school more about Marfan so that they can help Grace.  Its exhausting but that's what Moms and Dads do - we fight for our kiddos. 

I dont know what the outcome of all this will be.  Will Grace catch up with some additional instruction from these support teachers?  Is it better to have her repeat kindergarten to get more confidence in herself?  Are the class sizes so big that Grace needs a different environment to thrive in school?  Only time will tell, I guess.

I know that my job is to fight like hell for my little girl but I am so frustarated and sad for her that she doesnt enjoy school and that she has to go through all of this.  I realize that she is young, that it is best to get these "interventions" in place now while they are easier to correct but why Grace?  Why my baby who already has so much to deal with - Marfan Syndrome isnt going to make her life easy so why does she have to have a hard time at school too?  Life isnt fair, I know, but this sucks. 

Tomorrow, Hubby and I have a meeting with the school social worker - an interview about our family dynamics and how that impacts Grace.  Sounds like fun, huh?!  And I will use the time with the social worker to find out how we can make things easier for Grace and fight to get her all the help she needs. 

SAH

While taking care of the hubby as he recovers from surgery, I have been able to do some of the Mom things I dont get to do all the time during the day - including attending 2 Thanksgiving events at Grace's daycare and school.

So adorable.

Daycare had Thanksgiving lunch for the parents and we surprised Grace when Daddy showed up for that on Wednesday.

But the true highlight of the week was her Kindergarten Thanksgiving Show yesterday. Video below - I edited it from 17 minutes to just over 10 minutes....seriously adorable.  (password is grace)


Thanksgiving Show 2009 from Jaime Barnhart on Vimeo.

School-Ager

Grace:  But Mommy.  If I go to kindergarten, then I will be a school-ager.

Me:  Yes, you will.  You are a big kid now!

Grace: But I just want to be your baby. 

Me:  (holding back tears) Oh Gracie. You will always be my baby.

***********************************************************************

Her dress was all laid out 3 days ago.  We got her a cardigan yesterday to complete it since its only 70 degrees here already (ummm, where did summer go?).  And we had a great dinner to celebrate the night before school....complete with wine for Mommy and Daddy. 

And then the morning came.

She was up, dressed, and ready to go an hour early.  And begging to leave the house...she couldnt wait to get to school.

We practiced opening her snack container and zipping her backpack. I reminded her a million times about the note in her backpack for the teacher (still nervous that she will forget!!).

And when we pulled up to school, she jumped out of the car, grabbed the closest teacher she could see, and said, "Hi, I am Grace and I am in Mrs. T's class.  I am a kindergartener".

She walked into the school and never looked back. 

And I teared up....just a little.....she will always be my baby but now she is a school-ager.

Countdown

Did you see the countdown above?

1 Day Until Kindergarten.

One Day.

24 Hours.

Manana.

The day after today.

My baby is going to wear a backpack, sit on a bus (even though it is a day care bus and not a big yellow school bus, its still a bus!!), and walk through a school to sit at a table with 25 other kids and learn to read!

Her backpack is ready...all decorated with Hig.h Sch.oo.l Musica.l stickers..amd hung by the door.  

OMG!!!!

I am not ready for this..........I need another glass of wine.

Lists

First there was the immunization list. Then the long list of paperwork. Those were all completed in the spring.

Now there is the supply list and the "Dates to Remember" list.

And the first day of school is still 6 days away.

Walking through the aisles of the office supply store last night, there were piles of crayons and pencils and binders and backpacks. Day planners and stickers galore. I love shopping for supplies but......

......buying school supplies for the first time for my child is different. She is now a "child". Not my baby or really my little girl. In 6 days she will walk into the elementary school with other kindergarteners and 6th graders!!! She is going to sit at a desk and learn to read. And develop friendships with people that will stand next to her someday at high school graduation.

She is so excited. I am too - for her. But I am a little sad - for the baby girl that grew up way too fast.

Not Ready

My office phone rang the other day.

ME: Hi, this is me (well, I really said my full name but....)
CALLER: Hi, J. This is Ann from the County. I am looking at the kindergarten enrollment papers and have a few questions for you.
ME: Sure. What kind of questions?

And so that call went on to talk about Grace's Marfan diagnosis and how the school needs to prepare (or not) for her.

At the end of the call, Ann says "Tell Grace we will see her soon and that her classroom is all ready for her!".

I couldn't even speak after that.

Her SCHOOL? Her CLASSROOM? No, she's my little girl, not my school age child.

Ask Grace about school and she will tell you how much she is looking forward to it. That going to "the big school" is going to be fun. Ask me about it and my anxiety skyrockets!

She will make new friends. She will learn all sorts of cool things. But that also means she will stop being my Baby Girl.

With one month to go, those who know me would expect that I have the school supply list purchased already and a backpack all picked out. Nope. Havent even downloaded the supply list from the school website. And a backpack? Havent purchased yet. Honestly, I havent even thought about that all important First Day of School Outfit - you know, the one that will live on forever in the 4,208 pictures I will take that day.

I am going to cram as much Baby Girl time in as possible....starting next week at Disney World. Cause in one month and 1 day, I will be the mom of a kindergarten kid.

Now, where are those tissues!?!?!?!?

The New Project - Organize My Life!

Kindergarten orientation. I didnt tear up once. What I did do was totally freak out! Not over what she does know or doesnt know. Not over the fact that Grace walked right into the classroom without even saying bye to us during the parents orientation. I am in the midst of a total breakdown over how to manage all these new additions to our life.

Backpacks, notes from the teacher, library books, field trip permission forms, etc, etc, etc. My head is barely floating above water now! Not to mention, she will have 2 sets of teachers - kindergarten and the after-school care at her current day care.

Its middle of April. School starts on September 8 - sounds far away but really, just around the corner. According to the ticker, I have 4 months to get myself, my family, and my house organized for the beginning of the next 14 years of our lives. Oh, where to begin!!! The next few months are going to be a crash-course is organization around our house.

New Friends?

As Grace is getting older, we find ourselves with a social calendar full of birthday parties. Really - it seems like there is at least one a month....and that is just from preschool friends. There is a rule there - if you invite one kid from the class, you have to invite all of them. So we did - 27 invitations just for school friends, plus her friends from daycare....that makes 38 invitations to a 5 year old's bday party!!!!!

As the RSVP phone calls start coming in, I find myself chatting with the other preschool moms. I have always had this vision of meeting all the other school moms and starting these great friendships that will last Grace her whole life. That's how I know some of my very best friends. Grace has found some great little kids at day care and preschool and we have developed these friendships - really, dont know what I would do without Sarah and Elise and their awesome parents!

Kindergarten is around the corner and that means the preschool kiddos will all be going to different schools. Last night, one of the moms called me about Grace's bday party. Her daughter adores Grace and this mom wants to get the girls together to play. Seriously, that was last night at 6PM - since then, I have gotten 3 emails from her!!! Not that I dont want to be friends with her, not that I dont think her daughter is adorable, and Grace definitely wants to play with her but.............do I help Grace develop this friendship now when we know the girls wont be going to the same school and the other girl wont be at the after-school care after August? At 5 years old, its not like they can call each other after school and hang out.

But then again, what if this girl and Grace end up BFFs, regardless of where they are in school?

And really, why am I so worried about this?!

Time

Grace -

5 years ago, this week, I was putting the final touches on your nursery and trying to finish things at work so I could go on maternity leave. Your daddy and I were spending all our time with his family and my final moment with Grandma Katy was so special - her arm was stretched across my HUGE tummy and you kicked. It was amazing....you just knew how to make that moment one I will never forget and one that I know in my heart made your Grandma Katy very happy.

My due date came and went; 2 weeks later you decided that it was time to meet us. And life has never been the same.


One of the first pieces of advice I got from family and friends was to cherish every moment because time moves so fast and babies turn into kids quicker than you can imagine. I listened and nodded. But it wasn't until last night that I truly understood.

I was folding laundry. You were watching a movie but cant sit still so you were chatting with me as well. What a little mind you have - talking about when you will be a mommy one day and explaining to me why the dog in the movie has superpowers. And who can forget your singing and dancing performance to the HS.M soundtrack! You have such a curious mind and have your own ideas and opinions.


But what really made me understand how big you are now is what I downloaded on my laptop - kindergarten registration forms. For the past year, I have been saying how much I am looking forward to the first day of school for you. I still am - you are so smart and you are going to love it there. But I am sad too; my baby is all grown up. Before I know it, you will have boyfriends and your own car and then you will leave for college. It all seems so far away but then again, 5 years passed in front of my eyes and I didnt even realize it.

I love you Gracie-Moo. Kindergarten kid or not, you are my baby.