Why is it that some decisions are the hardest to make? And that once you make it, even though there wasnt much of a choice or you knew it was the best/right one to make, you are sad. Sadder about it than when it was a "what if" or "maybe"? I hate that.
Last night, Supergirl (who is just about ready to become another Supermom) and K came over to hang out. It was really nice to have other adults to talk to after days of playing nurse to Hubby. At some point in the evening, we started discussing second babies. (BTW: Check out MamaChix's news!!!)
I started having the tug for another a couple months ago. Being pregnant was so much fun and who doesnt fall head over heels in love with newborns. I dont even mind the feeding schedule and lugging around a diaper bag everywhere you go. Getting up all night long...no, its not fun but some of the most precious memories I have are from moments Grace and I rocked in her room at 2 am, just looking at each other in amazement. I loved it all.
Hubby has always been much more hesitant to start on the road to parenthood again. He is a wonderful daddy and a great husband. There are so many reasons that he hesitates whenever I bring up Baby #2. Health, finances, time with Grace, and on and on and on.
I used to get angry about it but no longer. The past few days, with Hubby in bed recovering from the surgery and Grace running around, I am not sure about it anymore. There is a large house to take care of, day care bill that would double, and yes, there are health issues.
Being a mom is the greatest thing I have ever done. The past two years, I have felt more like myself than ever before. Isnt it funny that someone so small, a mere 38 inches tall, can teach me more about myself than years of therapy and life can?! Her smile lights up my life and I sont remember what I was like before she came.
Decisions have to be made for the greater good. How many boats need to be rocked? I dont want to rock them anymore.
My white flag is raised, even if it makes me sad. We are, and will continue to be, a one kid family.