I would love to sit down and write a post about how this year has taught us all sorts of important lessons about life and family and friendship. I would love to write about how I learned more about my own strength and resiliency and how I feel powerful in knowing that I can make it through hard times.
All those things are true - all those things were a part of the past year. But sometimes, and today is that some time, I don't want to sit and think about silver linings or lessons. What I want is normal.
A year ago today, I brought the Hubby to the ER with shakes, chills, weakness and an extreme fever. 6 days later he had urgent/emergency open heart surgery that lasted until the middle of the night. He spent almost 3 days under anesthisia with an open chest in ICU and then stayed there - an hour away from home - for another 10 days. The entire summer spent recovering at home. Nine months later, he went back to the OR and we are still in the initial recovery from that second OR visit within one year.
It sucks. It's not fair. And I am ready for my family to get some normal back in our lives.
There has not been a month in the last year that we haven't had to lean on someone to help our family get through something - whether it was babysitting our kids so I could take Hubby to and from the doctors or relying on people for dinner deliveries because simply thinking about cooking at the end of the day was too exhausting for me to do and even asking for help with money when what we did have was stolen from us. Its been a hell of a year and one I am glad is over.
Except it isn't over. It just keeps going and going and going. We are marking today with another trip to a doctor for a surgical followup. Another mini-road trip to Hopkins. Another day spent together - but in a hospital office. And another month of exhaustion, recovery, and needing help.
I am sure no one wants to hear the hard stuff - it's so much easier to post about how Hubby is getting stronger and it's much cuter to post pictures of the kids chasing bubbles in the yard while Hubby sits in a chair on the porch. And those things are happening and strength is coming back slowly every day. What I don't post is the medication schedule, the gauze dressings that need applying daily, or the scheduling of all outings because we have one adult who can drive and the other one still isn't cleared to pick up a child for diaper changes or to simply load them all into the car. I don't post these things because - well, who wants to hear your friend whine about their day? I mean, come on! I don't even like listening to myself complain about it. But in the end, this is what our world has been for a year now.
I miss my career, I miss my friends, I miss our little mini-road trips to ice cream places or area festivals. I miss being able to make plans more than 5 days out. I miss our life.
A year ago today it began....and today I am holding on to the hope that a new chapter is right around the corner for us. A new chapter that we can look back and say "damn, we made it through hell and we are doing okay now". A chapter where Hubby isn't in constant recovery pain where he can do all the things he loves to do with the kids. A chapter where the kids don't have to worry about doctors and hospitals and one where the kids get to enjoy their parents. A chapter where Hubby and I are both fully functioning, have our careers on track, and our family moving forward to a place of fun and smiles.