4 Years Ago

I casually checked one of my favorite apps this morning and saw this - cue a panic attack:

4 years ago - there I was posting about a "minor" outpatient surgery for the Hubby. Look at that - had a OB appt in the morning and then brought Hubby to the OR for a hernia surgery.  No biggie right?!  I thought so too at the time. This easy surgery was the start of one of the most traumatic experiences of our life- a week later, disaster; I will never forget the details of that event.  I am DREADING the TimeHop posts next week.  DREADING so much that I am tempted to simply delete the app unitl I know the updates will stop.  

Seeing these posts right now remind me of how stressed, how sad, how scared, and how overwhelmed I felt.  How alone I felt in the experience - making decisions I never wanted to make or ever thought I would really need to.  

As I type this post, it also reminds me how lucky we are.  We made it through (and then again we made it through another medical disaster last year).  The experience changed our life - made us a better team, a better couple, and I think really better parents.  We are so grateful for the moments we have because we were so close to losing it all.  

For 4 years, I have looked back - almost obsessed with how this experience changed us, changed life. It's like a line in the sand of my life - I refer to "before the disaster" and "post-disaster" life.  Yes, it was a defining moment for us. Medically, it changed things for the Hubby.  I hope that soon, so soon, that I can stop looking back at this moment.  That it can become a season of our life but not one that I have to continually deal with again and again and again.  

It won't be now.  Probably won't be this year.  But one day, this type of update won't make me panic.