Never

Never in my life did I think I would spend so much time at the hospital.   Three surgeries for the hubby since March 18 and many many many trips to various doctors and labs for tests.

Never in my life did I think I would be able to read a post-surgery medical report and actually understand 90% of it.  

Never did I think that I would have to really and truly think about what "DNR" means to my family - that by far was the scariest moment of the ordeal and one of the moments that is forever engrained in my memory.

Never did I believe that I would have to remind medical professionals that their job is to treat the patient, NOT recite policy to the patient over and over and over again.  

Never did I think I would have to pull more strength from the depths of myself so often in a short time. 

Never did I think my hubby would have to endure such pain for so long and be brave enough to put on a happy face for our children.  I dont know how he stays so positive and patient through it all....I am so proud of him.  

Never did I realize how lonely a recovery like this can be but how amazing friendships grow and some relationships are never the same during the most trying times.  

Never did I think I would need so much help from my family to simply get through a day - whether its just calling to check in on me or helping with daycare pickups and drop-offs and even sitting in hospital waiting rooms until 3am.  We would not make it through the days without such support and love. 

Never was I so proud of myself, my children, and my hubby --- this has been the most terrifying, stressful, traumatic experience of my life (and I am sure I can speak for my hubby in that as well) but we have pulled together and our little family is stronger than ever. Grace is amazing -- going with the flow on days when we aren't sure what the doctors have in mind and helping around the house as much as a 7 year old can.  And thankfully Will is a portable and good baby --- loves his car seat and stroller and can sleep anywhere!  I am learning to ask for help (something I just don't do often) and I am learning who in my life I can truly call for that help at any time of any day.  Sometimes learning that hurts -- sometimes its surprising.  

I dont know what the end of this ordeal looks like or even when to expect the end.  But I do know that we are doing the best we can to move life forward, even if we have to carry a wound vac with us for 6 more weeks or if some of the quality family time is spent playing checkers in a hospital room.  

And I know never to say never.