Its baby time.
I love babies. I love the way they smell, how they curl up in little balls on your chest to sleep, how you can carry them everywhere with you and your arm doesnt feel like it is going to fall off, and most of all, I love the sound of a newborn cry and feeling those little fingers wrap around my hand. AMAZING! Oh yeah, and the first time that babies smile at you (not the gas smiles but a real bonafide smile). Oh, my heart melts just remembering it all! (Wasn't Grace beautiful!? Yes, I am completely and totally biased but whatever---she is gorgeous!)
Before the Hubby and I got married, we had the "do we want kids?" chat and we had decided that no, we would be Aunt Jaime and Uncle Bill who spoiled the hell out of all the kids but that we would not have any of our own. There were a few really good reasons we made that decision; things that are still true today, in fact. About 3 weeks later, the stick had 2 lines on it and all those conversations went out the window!!! Today, I couldn't imagine my life without my princess Grace. It was the best decision we ever made.
I am planning a baby shower for 2 of Hubby and my best friends. Always the event planner, I am going all out. Every new mom deserves a fabulous baby shower with all her friends. The invitations are ordered and the decor is in process. I have checked all her registries to see what she has alreayd got and even check to see if there is anything that I found to be a "must have" that she does not have listed. Love this stuff!
All this shower planning and goft searching has my ovaries in a tug-of-war. There are days, even a week at a time, that I really strongly, completely, feel the desire to be pregnant again and to have another child. There are other times that I feel like I am barely able to hold on to my life now and that another child would push me right over the edge.
Grace is just over 2 years old, right on target developmentally, and is such a happy little girl. She is socialable and loves to play with other kids...except when they are playing with her toys. Boy, can she be a spoiled brat when other kids come to play at our house!!! Okay, that is all for another post.......back to the game my ovaries are playing?
Do I want Baby #2 or is my family complete as a threesome? Can I manage 2 children? Are we ready for 2 kids? Can we afford 2 kids? Day care cost would double but I would still need to work. At that point, am I only working to pay the day care costs or am I actually bringing home money? What about medical issues---we rolled the dice once and so far we got lucky but will that happen again or will we have a Marfan child (Hubby has Marfan Syndrome and there is a 50% chance that his children will have it as well). Would Grace be better as an only child or oldest child?
We have such a fun life now and our house is always full of family and friends. Its not that I am lonely but I just feel that pull to babyhood so strongly sometimes. There are moments when it sometimes feels like there is something missing in the house. Is it baby #2? Or is it just that its a big house for 3 people?
Hubby isn't sure about another baby. There are these medical things that loom over the entire conversation all the time. What if? Well, again, there are no real answers there either...no tests to be done prior to or in early pregnancy. There is no family history beyond the Hubby to study and search for genetic patterns. We are on our own with this one until the kid(s) turn 3 when we start going to Johns Hopkins for test and a diagnosis. And money. Can we afford another one? The house is old, needs some work, and its big (=expensive) but we cant sell it. Its our home and was his home growing up and his mother left it to him when she passed away so that he could pass it on to his children. We both work fulltime. With baby #2, when do we get Us Time? What about schedules and traveling for work? Can we handle all that?
So many questions but never a complete answer.