12/9/11

The Never Ending Struggle

For 7 1/2 years I have been doing this working mom gig.  And most of the time, its great - I get adult conversation and a career that I am proud of.  At the end of the work day, I come home to people who love me unconditionally and who are always there for a hug.

It's no secret to people who know me that the past year, and even more so, this past  spring and summer was filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows.  There were days that it seemed would never end; that bad news was all I would hear forever.  And days filled with laughter and smiles and love.  Most days settled with a little of both.

On the outside, it looked like I was handling it all in stride.  And really, for the most part I did.  What other choice did I have?  My husband and children needed me to be strong and get our family put back together again.  Guess what --- we are back to normal. Or whatever normal is supposed to be.

But I changed.  My priorities are different.  Not that my family wasn't a priority before but now, I struggle inside with guilt and unhappiness when I realize that 3 hours of my time every single day is spent alone in my car commuting.  Or that I have to say no to Grace's list of activities she wants to try because there isn't a parent home before 5pm on weekdays.  The 120 minutes we spent between day care pickup and bedtime is filled with homework, spelling practice tests, cleaning our room, making dinner, bath, and then sleep.  Will is growing up so fast and I am missing it --- one day he was a baby, now he is crawling and sitting up and eating food.

I need balance.  I want my career; I love the process of planning an event and seeing it come to life.  I also want my family to have a mom who is happy and feeling fulfilled at home and at work. Right now I just feel like I am running to catch up in both places.....and I just never can. I also know I am not alone in this --- every working mom, and stay at home moms too, feel this way.

But starting now, I am going to focus on finding my own balance so that I can have it all.

Wish me luck!

3 comments:

Noelle said...

When you find it let me know how you did it so I can find balance too!

waytenmom said...

It is a never ending struggle for me too - my kids are 15 and 12. They ARE my biggest job, but they don't get proportionately the biggest amount of my time. I could write a very long response but I'll just leave it at .... I do understand and you've got support out here in the blogosphere!!

Christy said...

good luck! ♥ As a SAHM I always say I have the 2nd hardest job on earth, working moms have the hardest! (although catch me on a day where I have had 0 adult interaction and my head is about to explode I may tell a different story haha)
Found you through Musings of a Marfan Mom's link up ♥