For 7 1/2 years I have been doing this working mom gig. And most of the time, its great - I get adult conversation and a career that I am proud of. At the end of the work day, I come home to people who love me unconditionally and who are always there for a hug.
It's no secret to people who know me that the past year, and even
more so, this past spring and summer was filled with the highest highs and
the lowest lows. There were days that it seemed would never end; that
bad news was all I would hear forever. And days filled with laughter
and smiles and love. Most days settled with a little of both.
the outside, it looked like I was handling it all in stride. And
really, for the most part I did. What other choice did I have? My
husband and children needed me to be strong and get our family put back
together again. Guess what --- we are
back to normal. Or whatever normal is supposed to be.
But I changed. My priorities are different. Not that my family wasn't a priority before but now, I struggle inside with guilt and unhappiness when I realize that 3 hours of my time every single day is spent alone in my car commuting. Or that I have to say no to Grace's list of activities she wants to try because there isn't a parent home before 5pm on weekdays. The 120 minutes we spent between day care pickup and bedtime is filled with homework, spelling practice tests, cleaning our room, making dinner, bath, and then sleep. Will is growing up so fast and I am missing it --- one day he was a baby, now he is crawling and sitting up and eating food.
I need balance. I want my career; I love the process of planning an event and seeing it come to life. I also want my family to have a mom who is happy and feeling fulfilled at home and at work. Right now I just feel like I am running to catch up in both places.....and I just never can. I also know I am not alone in this --- every working mom, and stay at home moms too, feel this way.
But starting now, I am going to focus on finding my own balance so that I can have it all.
Wish me luck!