Mommy Guilt. It sucks. And there is no way around it.
Grace asks me every single morning why I am going to work. She will even tell me to stay home and play with her. Do you think she realizes that those questions and the answers are equivalent to ripping my heart out and stomping on it? Probably not. But thats what it feels like.
And then there is the "what about me" guilt! Oh that is the worst of them all for me. Becoming a mother makes you re-priortize life. No longer can you just decide on day that you are going out for drinks that night. Even working late at the office involves 12 phone calls to day care or Hubby or Grandma or someone to take over child duties for the evening. The "what about me" guilt creeps in when I decide that yes, Grace will have a babysitter because I need to be with Me. You know the me that goes out for happy hours or on fun holidays or even just to get my nails done. The Me that I forget about. What sucks is that I only realize that I forgot about Me when other people start forgetting that I am still Me, with a kid but still Me in need of friendship , fun, and sometimes just an ear to listen.
And apprently, the Mommy Guilt doesnt go away when you grow up. My mother is racked with it right now. Could be because I (gently I thought but maybe not) pointed out that there were no pics of me or Hubby on her fridge that is otherwise plastered with photos. That she takes my sister and her husband out all the time for movies, dinners, etc but has not once asked Hubby and I do go out with her and Dad. My sis and Mom spend hours every weekend shopping together (times when my sis spends $10 at Starbucks and comes home with $100 jeans purchased by Mom) but I have not been asked once to come along.
And why? "Jaime.....you have a kid and you cant get out." That infuriates me. A kid is a kid.....NOT a ball and chain. I can leave my house. Hell, she even has a daddy to take care of her once in awhile. Dont discard me cause I am a Mom! And my own mom should get that....you would think.
Well, Mom called last night to ask me on a Mom and Jaime date for my birthday(still 2 weeks away). Shopping, nails, and cocktails. I am thrilled just to be asked but man, that should be a good day.
And so, the Mommy Guilt isnt just about working in or out of the house. For me, its about trying to find a balance between my "Mom Life" and Me.